Sarah's notes on The 5 Love Languages

People speak different love languages. Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other.

Child psychologists affirm that every child has certain basic emotional needs that must be met if he is to be emotionally stable. Among those emotional needs, none is more basic than the need for love and affection, the need to sense that he or she belongs and is wanted. With an adequate supply of affection, the child will likely develop into a responsible adult. Without that love, he or she will be emotionally and socially challenged. Inside every child is an 'emotional tank' waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally, but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty „love tank“.

Running your marriage on an empty "love tank" may cost you even more than trying to drive your car without oil. WARNING: Understanding the five love languages and learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse may radically affect his or her behavior. People behave differently when their emotional love tanks are full.

When your spouse's emotional love tank is full and he feels secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach his highest potential in life. But when the love tank is empty and he feels used but not loved, the whole world looks dark and he will likely never reach his potential for good in the world.

LOVE LANGUAGE # 1 Words of Affirmation One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. "The tongue has the power of life and death."1 Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. "You look sharp in that suit." "Do you ever look incredible in that dress! Wow!" "I really like how you're always on time to pick me up at work. "Thanks for getting the babysitter lined up tonight. I want you to know I don't take that for granted."

he said, "I hate to interrupt your reading, but I have to tell you this. I just finished reading your article on 'Making the Most of the Holidays.' Allison, you're a really good writer. This stuff ought to be published! You write clearly. Your words paint pictures that I can visualize. You have great ideas. You have to submit this to some magazines."

Encouraging words would sound like this. "If you decide to do that, I can tell you one thing. You will be a success. That's one of the things | like about you. When you set your mind to something, you do it. If that's what you want to do, I will certainly do everything I can to help you." Such words may give him the courage to start drawing up a list of potential clients. Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse's perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement. With verbal encouragement, we are trying to communicate, "I know. I care. I am with you. How can I help?" We are trying to show that we believe in him and in his abilities. We are giving credit and praise.

You may also want to try giving indirect words of affirmation -that is, saying positive things about your spouse when he or she is not present. Eventually, someone will tell your spouse, and you will get full credit for love. Also affirm your spouse in front of others when he or she is present.

IF YOUR SPOUSE'S LOVE LANGUAGE IS WORDS OF AFFIRMATION: 1. To remind yourself that "Words of Affirmation" is your spouse's primary love language, print the following on a card and put it on a mirror or other place where you will see it daily: Words are important! Words are important! Words are important! 2. For one week, keep a written record of all the words of affirmation you give your spouse each day. You might be surprised how well (or how poorly) you are speaking words of affirmation. 3. Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for one month. If "an apple a day keeps the doctor away," maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor away. (You may want to record these compliments also, so you will not duplicate the statements.) 4. Learn to say "I love you" or other expressions of affirmation in a couple of different languages. 5. Compliment your spouse in the presence of his parents or friends. You will get double credit: Your spouse will feel loved and the parents will feel lucky to have such a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law. 6. Look for your spouse's strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those strengths. Be specific: "I like how you reach out to people at church who don't seem to have anyone to talk to." Or: "You're really keeping up with the job search. I know it'll pay off." 7. Occasionally email or text a note of affirmation during the day or when one of you is traveling. Or if you know your spouse is having a hard day, send a link to a funny website. 8. Thank your mate for something they do routinely and wouldn't expect to be complimented for.

IF YOUR SPOUSE'S LOVE LANGUAGE IS QUALITY TIME: 1. Ask your spouse for a list of five activities that he would enjoy doing with you -don't assume you know. Make plans to do one of them each month for the next five months. If money is an issue, space the freebies between the "we can't afford this" events. 2. Plan a weekend getaway just for the two of within the next six months. Be sure it is a weekend when you won't have to be in touch with the office or have a family commitment. Focus on relaxing together doing what one or both of you enjoy. 3. Make time every day to share with each other some of the events of the day. When you spend more time watching the news than you do listening to each other, you end up more concerned about the Middle East than about your spouse. Or: When you spend more time on Facebook than you do listening to each other, you end up more concerned about your hundred "friends" than about your spouse. you sometime

Give your spouse a book and agree to read it yourself. Then offer to discuss together a chapter each week. Don't choose a book that you want him or her to read. Choose a book on a topic in which you know your spouse has an interest: sex, football, gourmet cuisine, investing, childrearing, religion, history.

[F YOUR SPOUSE'S LOVE LANGUAGE IS ACTS OF SERVICE: 1. Consider serving someone (or something) your spouse loves: an older relative, caring attentively for a pet, a favorite cause. 2. Print note cards with the following: "Today I will show my love for you by ..." Complete the sentence with a task you know your spouse would love you to do: picking up the clutter, taking old clothes to a thrift store, fixing something that's been broken a long time, weeding the garden. (Bonus points if it's a chore that's been put off.) 3. Ask your spouse to make a list of ten things he or she would like for you to do during the next month. Then ask your spouse to prioritize those by numbering them 1-10, with 1 being the most important and 10 being least important. Use this list to plan your strategy for a month of love. (Get ready to live with a happy spouse.) 4. While your spouse is away, get the children to help you with some act of service for him. When he walks in the door, join the children in shouting, "Surprise! We love you!" Then share your act of service. 5. This can also work when your spouse is away for a long period of time, such as a military deployment. Recruit the kids to help you with some act of service for him. Take a picture of the results and send it -or, even better, show it to him via Skype and yell, "Surprise! We love you!" 6. If your requests to your mate come across as nags or putdowns, try writing them in words that would be less offensive to them. Share this revised wording with your spouse. For example, "The yard always looks so nice, and I really appreciate your work. I'd love to thank you in advance for mowing the lawn this week before Paul and Amy come over for dinner." Your husband might even respond, "Where's the lawnmower, I can't wait!" Try it and see. 7. If you have more money than time, hire someone to do the acts of service that neither of you wants to do, such as the yard work or a once-a-month deep cleaning of your home. 8. Run interference for your spouse during his or her favorite TV show or important sports event. Take care of all the phone calls, kid emergencies, and so on.

LOVE LANGUAGE #5 Physical Touch Physical touch is also powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one's spouse. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.

THE POWER OF TOUCH Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love. To the person whose primary love language is physical touch, the message will be far louder than the words "I hate you" or "I love you." A slap in the face is detrimental to any child, but it is devastating to a child whose primary love language is touch. Don't make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to her.

THE BODY IS FOR TOUCHING Whatever there is of me resides in my body. To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally. In our society, shaking hands is a way of communicating openness and social closeness to another individual. When on rare occasions one man refuses to shake hands with another, it communicates a message that things are not right in their relationship.

Ignoring our partner's love languages is like ignoring the needs of a garden: if we don't weed, water, or fertilize, it will die a slow death. But if we actually abuse our partner's love languages -that is, use them for harmful purposes -it's like taking a machete to that same garden and chopping everything up.

Chances are what you are doing for her is what you wish she would do for you. If you are constantly doing acts of service for your spouse, perhaps (although not always) that is your love language. If words of affirmation speak love to you, chances are you will use them in speaking love to your spouse.

Once you have shared that information, I suggest that you play the following game three times a week for three weeks. The game is called "Tank Check," and it is played like this. When you come home, one of you says to the other, "On a scale of zero to ten, how is your love tank tonight?" Zero means empty, and 10 means "I am full of love and can't handle any more." You give a reading on your emotional love tank-10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, or 0, indicating how full it is. Your spouse says, "What could I do to help fill it?" Then you make a suggestion-something you would like your spouse to do or say that evening. To the best of his ability, he will respond to your request. Then you repeat the process in the reverse order so that both of you have the opportunity to do a reading on your love tank and to make a suggestion toward filling it. If you play the game for three weeks, you will be hooked on it, and it can be a playful way of stimulating love expressions in your marriage.

How can we speak each other's love language when we are full of hurt, anger, and resentment over past failures? The answer to that question lies in the essential nature of our humanity. Poor choices in the past don't mean that we must make them in the future. Instead we can say, "I'm sorry. I know I have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different. I would like to love you in your language. I would like to meet your needs." | have seen marriages rescued from the brink of divorce when couples make the choice to love. Love doesn't erase the past, but it makes the future different. When we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures.