The Communication Book

But why is it so difficult to be friendly? Often, we ourselves are the problem. Take the so-called 'attribution error': if we arrive late, there was a lot of traffic. If others arrive late, they set off too late (or for people with a negative frame of mind, the other way round). We are by nature prone to pass judgement, and what's more, it is easier to blame someone else than to think about why something happened.

Giraffe language, on the other hand, works like this: • Observe without evaluating: 'You always look out of the window when I want to talk to you.' Acknowledge and define your own or others' feel-ings: 'I'm worried.' • Acknowledge needs and take them seriously: I want to know how you're doing.' • Express clear and achievable objectives based on these needs: 'Please tell me what you need, so that we can talk about it.'

According to Rosenberg, statements like these are 'desires in disguise’. Because we have not learned to ask for something politely or to express our wishes constructively, we resort to aggressive language. And aggression leads to counter-aggression or submissive subjugation.

The language of the jackal causes the speaker to feel superior and the person being addressed to feel bad. Typical examples of jackal language: • Analysis: 'That's wrong, because.. • Criticism: The mistake you made was that you... • Interpretations: 'You do that because.. • Appraisals: 'You're smart/lazy, you're right/wrong.. • Threats: 'If you don't do it immediately, I'll have to ..’

How to ask good questions: 1. They are open questions that you cannot answer with yes or no. 2. The questions require no prior knowledge; in other words, there are no right or wrong answers, only honest ones. 3. They are questions that centre on your counterpart rather than on you.

In 2006, Larry Smith, founder and editor of SMITH magazine, asked: 'Can you tell your life story in six words?' A dumped 27-year-old guy wrote: 'I still make coffee for two.' 'Cursed with cancer. Blessed with friends' came from a nine-year-old cancer survivor. The singer Moby confessed: 'Dad died, mom crazy, me, too.' And George Saunders summed life up beautifully: 'Started small, grew, peaked, shrunk, vanished.'

How to apologize properly so that the other person forgives and forgets: • Change yourself Even the most honest apology is worthless if you repeat the same mistake three times. Making an apology is above all a commitment to making a change and an offer to make amends.

How to apologize properly so that the other person forgives and forgets: • Avoid 'but' sentences An apology in which the word 'but' crops up is almost never understood as an apology but as an excuse. Avoid at all costs. • Don't ask for forgiveness Asking for forgiveness is rarely effective. According to the research, you can spare yourself the bother. Nobody likes to grant absolution.

How to apologize properly so that the other person forgives and forgets: • Don't justify your actions It is a natural reflex to try to justify your own actions. But also an idiotic one. Because a justification is in effect a denial of the apology. The following sentences are particularly counterproductive: 'Come on, it wasn't that bad!' or 'I can't help it’. The injured person will be more inclined to forgive if you come up with a reason rather than a justification: try to explain your action without being defensive. Most effective of all are an explanation and an admission of guilt combined.