The essence of normal communication: we all like to be right. The essence of nonviolent communication: we are better off if we resolve a dispute than if we win it. Or in the words of Marshall Rosenberg: 'Would you rather be right... or happy...’

But why is it so difficult to be friendly? Often, we ourselves are the problem. Take the so-called 'attribution error': if we arrive late, there was a lot of traffic. If others arrive late, they set off too late (or for people with a negative frame of mind, the other way round). We are by nature prone to pass judgement, and what's more, it is easier to blame someone else than to think about why something happened.

Giraffe language, on the other hand, works like this: • Observe without evaluating: 'You always look out of the window when I want to talk to you.' Acknowledge and define your own or others' feel-ings: 'I'm worried.' • Acknowledge needs and take them seriously: I want to know how you're doing.' • Express clear and achievable objectives based on these needs: 'Please tell me what you need, so that we can talk about it.'

According to Rosenberg, statements like these are 'desires in disguise’. Because we have not learned to ask for something politely or to express our wishes constructively, we resort to aggressive language. And aggression leads to counter-aggression or submissive subjugation.

The language of the jackal causes the speaker to feel superior and the person being addressed to feel bad. Typical examples of jackal language: • Analysis: 'That's wrong, because.. • Criticism: The mistake you made was that you... • Interpretations: 'You do that because.. • Appraisals: 'You're smart/lazy, you're right/wrong.. • Threats: 'If you don't do it immediately, I'll have to ..’

How to ask good questions: 1. They are open questions that you cannot answer with yes or no. 2. The questions require no prior knowledge; in other words, there are no right or wrong answers, only honest ones. 3. They are questions that centre on your counterpart rather than on you.