If we take a detailed look at why friendship is more successful than marriage, it is easy to see that the destructive hand of external control is associated with every difference between these two relationships. The first difference is obvious. Unlike friendship, marriage is legally, morally, and often religiously binding. Its whole foundation is built on external control, on coercive forces designed to keep the marriage intact. But there is little or no happiness in control as epitomized in: What God hath joined together let no man put asunder no matter how miserable this relationship turns out to be. Carleen and I are against neither marriage nor divorce. What we are against is the external control that destroys marriage and leads to divorce. Totally unlike marriage, a long-term friendship is, at most, only morally binding; there is no sworn commitment, no attempt to force a friend to do anything he or she doesn't want to do. For success, friendship depends only on both parties agreeing to honor it. When they stop, it is over. There is never any attempt at control. And in the era of no-fault divorce it is dear that any attempts to force people to stay married cause more problems than they solve. A second difference is that marriage obligates physical closeness. Married people "should" live together or, if apart, stay in close touch. Long-term friends neither need to live close nor stay in constant touch with each other to maintain the friendship. A third difference is that unlike a failing friendship, marriage is filled with tangible penalties that kick in as soon as it fails. Among these are spousal support, child support, visitation rights, religious or social ostracism, alienation of family members, and loss of property. But couples who know they will suffer all the above penalties still break up almost always because they can't accept the degree of control that marriage imposes. We are not against any of these legal protections. What we are for is more successful marriages. Finally, psychological problems that are mostly caused by controlling or being controlled, such as what are usually thought of as mental illness, addictions such as alco-holism, and violence such as spousal and child abuse, are common to failing and failed marriages. Such problems are totally foreign to long-term friendships. In fact, good long-term friends are more helpful in preventing mental and behavioral problems than any other person except loving family members. Therefore, external control is the destroyer of mar-riages. As long as we practice it, there is little chance we will have any more marital success than we have now.

S Sarah Getting Together And Staying Together · August 24, 2023 Share note Save to shelf