Getting Together And Staying Together

The couples who wrote stressed the importance of friendship and made an effort to remain good friends. They don't let misunderstandings take root and become problems; they talk and listen to each other even when they are upset. Treat your spouse as you do your best friend.

When we are in a difficult situation such as an unhappy marriage, we certainly don't feel creative. We stick to a set of habitual, uncreative behaviors, as Larry did in looking for other women. With them he may have been creative, but if he wants to be happy with Cheryl, he needs to tap into his creativity for new ways to connect with her.

A married couple doesn't have to be compatible in every need to make a success of their marriage. It just takes a willingness to talk about it without putting each other down and for each one to give a little. If they will accept each other where they are incompatible and make an effort to be understanding of each other'S needs, most differences can be worked out.

After you pose the l'll-do-anything question, if he says nothing, or says he doesn't know what to suggest, be prepared to continue with no help from him. Don't be surprised if he draws a blank. If he were more aware and/or more creative, your marriage would already be in better shape. Expect this to happen and tell him that you are not depending on him. Then give him a hug and a kiss and tell him, "Don't worry. I'll figure something out. But I'm sure that somewhere in your brain are some pictures of what we could do together that we would both enjoy." If you are completely stuck, say "Look, if you feel like it, we can talk again tomorrow. This is enough for me now. But keep what I said in mind. I'm tired of being unhappy and complaining about it all the time. I want to be happy and I plan to do something to find some happiness. I hope you'll help me figure out something we can do together, but if you won't, I'm still going ahead with my plan."

When you have a bad marriage and you think of yourself as depressed, or suffering from depression, you tend to feel helpless, as if this is happening to you from somewhere outside yourself, as Vera did when she blamed her husband for her helplessness. If instead you say, I am choosing to depress, you are compelled to think of making an effort to find a better and more active choice than to sit around moping and hoping that someone or something will come along and make you feel better. You may begin to choose to think, Maybe I ought to do something to help myself, and then actually add some effective action to this thought.

For example, if you hug and kiss someone you love, the hugging and kissing is the activity. While you are doing it, you are thinking about how much you enjoy doing this, and your thoughts may progress to a more intensely satisfying activity. All the while, you feel very good and may even feel better as the behavior intensifies. As all this is going on, your heart and breathing rates may increase and you may involuntarily moan with pleasure, which is the typical physiology associated with the total behavior called sexual activity.

Where there are differences, find them early and negotiate. From the profiles, you know what differences to expect. Being surprised by an incompatibility is not good for your marriage. Most of these surprises quickly lead to external control and the seven habits. The whole point of the profiles is to prevent this from happening.

They can agree on what this better marriage looks like, they should each tell the other one specific thing each is willing to do all this coming week that he or she believes would improve their marriage. They would share this offer with each other and, if the other agrees, they would each work hard to do it. But they would also agree that no matter what the other does, each will try to finish out the week doing what he or she promised to do. What each promised does not depend on the other doing his or her part; this is no quid pro quo. In choice-theory terms, they would not attempt to control the other.

But when a marriage becomes unhappy, if both the husband and the wife know about their quality worlds, they can use this knowledge to improve their marriage. For example, Cheryl and Larry can go beyond what they are now doing to help their marriage. First of all, they can admit to each other that they have changed their picture of each other to expect much less than they did when they got married. They should talk it over and admit that this is what has happened, and then tell each other that they would both like to improve the one picture they have in their quality world that they can change. This is my picture of how I treat you. As much as I would like to, I can't change your picture of how you treat me.

We can't control another person's quality world, we can continually try to find out what is in it and behave in a way that satisfies those pictures. The best guide to what our mate wants is the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."