External control has this as its major premise: If we are unhappy, we are not responsible for the way we feel. It'S always other people, events we can't control, or something structurally or chemically wrong with our brain that is the cause of our pain. It is never what we choose to do that is the cause of our misery. Employing external control, unhappily married people keep thinking: It'S not me, it'S my partner who'S the cause of my misery. And it'S my obligation to do everything I can to change the way my partner behaves toward me up to and including killing him or her. To satisfy this "obligation,' we very often choose a stereotypical group of behaviors that I call „the Seven Deadly Habits of external control psychology“. I call them stereotypical because almost all of us choose them over and over without giving much thought to how much misery they cause us and others. These are (1) criticizing, (2) blaming, (3) complaining. (4) nagging. (5) threatening, (6) punishing, and (7) bribing or rewarding to control. These habits are deadly because, given enough time, their persistent use kills any marriage.

The couples who wrote stressed the importance of friendship and made an effort to remain good friends. They don't let misunderstandings take root and become problems; they talk and listen to each other even when they are upset. Treat your spouse as you do your best friend.

When we are in a difficult situation such as an unhappy marriage, we certainly don't feel creative. We stick to a set of habitual, uncreative behaviors, as Larry did in looking for other women. With them he may have been creative, but if he wants to be happy with Cheryl, he needs to tap into his creativity for new ways to connect with her.

A married couple doesn't have to be compatible in every need to make a success of their marriage. It just takes a willingness to talk about it without putting each other down and for each one to give a little. If they will accept each other where they are incompatible and make an effort to be understanding of each other'S needs, most differences can be worked out.

After you pose the l'll-do-anything question, if he says nothing, or says he doesn't know what to suggest, be prepared to continue with no help from him. Don't be surprised if he draws a blank. If he were more aware and/or more creative, your marriage would already be in better shape. Expect this to happen and tell him that you are not depending on him. Then give him a hug and a kiss and tell him, "Don't worry. I'll figure something out. But I'm sure that somewhere in your brain are some pictures of what we could do together that we would both enjoy." If you are completely stuck, say "Look, if you feel like it, we can talk again tomorrow. This is enough for me now. But keep what I said in mind. I'm tired of being unhappy and complaining about it all the time. I want to be happy and I plan to do something to find some happiness. I hope you'll help me figure out something we can do together, but if you won't, I'm still going ahead with my plan."